Am I alone?

This past week had been a real struggle for me. Child A has been particularly clingy and emotional and child B is teething. On top of that, after 6.5 months of maternity leave, I am BORED. Not just “can’t really think of anything to do” bored but the “I’ve even cleaned the fridge inside and out” bored. Whilst I was determined to have some form of routine for the little people, it has meant that week after week is the same and there is no let up. But this feeling of boredom makes me feel guilty for not loving every moment I have with my children.

I had post natal depression with child A and during my councilor sessions, we did a lot of work on whether other people felt the way I did so I know I’m not alone, but when times are tough, it’s hard to remember that and for it to have any effect on my mood.

I have several friends who are also on maternity leave this time round but I find myself not wanting to bother them. Either I Don’t feel we’re close enough to have the “I’m hating my life right now but feel incredibly guilty for feeling that way” conversation. Or they have bigger issues and I don’t want to bore or burden them with my trivial problems.

There are so many programmes about people having babies and there is always one person who is the type of mother who “just adores every moment with their beautiful perfect child who’d they’d do anything for” and I find myself both hating and being jealous of these people. Now it could be a charade but it makes me feel bad. Am I a terrible mum for not wanting to be a mum 24/7. Am I alone thinking this or does everyone feel this way?

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Am I doing it all wrong

After being screamed at by my toddler for an hour and eventually losing it and screaming back, I utter that familiar phrase in my head of “what am I doing wrong?”. When the baby is screaming, won’t feed, won’t burp and won’t be comforted I hear that little voice say “what am I doing wrong?”. When child A is grunting at me and not talking and starts hitting himself or child B is again refusing to eat any solid food those words start ringing in my ears of “what am I doing wrong?”.

There have been a few times when child A has told me I’m a bad mummy. There have also been many occasions when he’s told me I’m a gorgeous mummy and he loves me yet I believe the negative much more.

Why is it that I have no confidence at all in my parenting and I constantly feel I’m doing it all wrong? My children are happy and healthy and child A for the most part is incredibly polite and intelligent. So why don’t I believe people when they tell me I’m doing a great job. I feel I constantly have to justify every decision I make and even when I do, that everyone is judging me and thinking I did it wrong.

One day I might believe I am a good mummy but at the moment I feel that any good points of my children is down to them and all the bad ones are because of me.

The word why and wanting to kill your own child

“Is that my left foot?”
“Yes”
“Why?”
“Um…..because it’s your foot on the left hand side of your body”
“Why?”
“Because it is”

“Is that sam?”
“Yes”
“Why?”
“Because his name is sam”
“Why?”
“Because that’s what his parents called him”
“Why?”
“Because they liked the name?”
“Why?”
“I don’t know”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t know everybody’s decision making process”
“Why?”

“Is she getting off the bus?”
“Yes”
“Why?”
“Because this is where she wanted to go”
“Why?”
“Because this is where she lives”
“Why?”
“Because she found a house she liked and wanted to live there”
“Why?”

“Is it daytime?”
“Yes”
“Why?”
“Because the earth is at a point of its rotation on its axis such that the sun is pointing at our location on the earth making it day time. On the opposite side of the earth it will be night time.”
“Oh. Ok. Can I have grapes?”
“Yes”
“Why?”